Three Greek Men: A Modern Greek Comedy

August, 2013
Island of Crete, Greece

When the taxi dropped us at our villa it was already nearly 10pm–we had left Athens on a ferry at 7am that morning. We were exhausted, but also restless. We could hear waves crashing in the near distance and the softly glowing lights from the waterfront restaurants beckoned to us. Travel weary though we were, we could not go to sleep without first getting a glimpse of our surroundings.

We dropped our bags in our rooms and then headed for the beach front–we just planned to walk along the water and then head to bed. But, as we passed a building on the outskirts of the town, we heard raucousy live music pouring from an upper floor. It was a roof-top restaurant. We took one look at each other, nodded in unison, and headed up the stairs, where we emerged upon a crowded scene. The roof-top seating area was small, with one corner occupied by the band and the rest filled with guests. We were still absorbing the situation when we were ushered to the one empty table–in the center of the room.

In the next 15 minutes every Greek stereotype we had ever heard would be lived out. Over the clamor we ordered some food. As we waited we observed the restaurant staff run from cooking in the kitchen, to serving food, to drinking with the musicians, and back to the kitchen again. After a few moments our fairly inebriated waiter brought our food and we were served complimentary drinks. They demanded our names and then began singing them in some sort of drinking song. Our waiter headed to the kitchen and promptly dropped some dishes with a crash. Instantly everyone shouted “Opa!” over the music.

We had barely begun eating our food when the guests formed a circle around the room with us sitting in the center) and began a traditional Greek dance (if you are thinking of My Big Fat Greek Wedding , you have the right image).

Needless to say, our first night in Greece was a surreal experience.

——–

A few nights later we decided to visit that same restaurant again–we hoped to get another hefty dose of the local culture. When we arrived on the roof, however, the place was empty except for three men in their fifties at a table in the corner. Despite the change in atmosphere we decided it would be well worth it to share a drink looking out over the moon-lit ocean.

We perused our menus while making lovers conversation in soft tones. We were jarred from our sappy world by a loud voice with a thick accent saying, “Hello! Where do you come from?” We looked in surprise at the table with the three men who were now all looking at us intently.

Tyler replied, “We are from America.” “Well, what are you doing here?” The man demanded. “We are on our honeymoon” I replied. “AH! Honeymoon, eh?” The man turned to his companions with a grin. “What are you drinking? Do you drink wine? Come drink with us!” We had barely begun to decline the offer when we were shouted down, “No, no, you must come drink with us!”

Next thing we knew they had pulled up two extra chairs and we were sitting down at their table. We had, in the few days we had been on the island, discovered the unique approach the Greeks had towards eating out–when they go to a restaurant they don’t simply order a dish apiece; they order a massive variety of dishes and share–and then continue to order more, eating and talking for hours. This group of men were no exception. The table was spread with a dozen dishes–octopus salad, fried sardines, cheese pies, fruit salad, Greek salad, and many other local staples.

The moment we sat down we were handed glasses of white wine mixed with Sprite–we never saw the bottom of those glasses the rest of the night. We were presented with plates which each of the men promptly began to spoon a selection of the various dishes on to. This was a curious group of men–all pretty washed up looking with large, protruding guts. There was one man who spoke no English and was silent most of the time, a particularly large man who interjected occasionally, and the loud one who had first called us over and did most of the talking.

The wine had barely hit our lips when they began to interrogate us (mostly Tyler–they didn’t pay me much attention and I was happy to sit back and drink the wine)– Loud Greek Man–“So, you just got married, ah?”
Tyler–“Yes, 5 days ago.”
“Five days ago! How old are you?”
“I’m 22 and Martha is 23.”
“WHAT? That is too young! Why would you get married? Now you are stuck with each other for the rest of your lives! You can’t go off and do whatever you want, you have to be together! No one wants that. You are crazy.”
“Well…that is why we got married. We like to be together. That is what we wanted.”

“No, no, you say that now, but you will not say that for long. We know, yes?” Loud Greek Man nods to his companions. “I have been married and divorced 3 times. And they have each been married and divorced 2 times. We know.” Silent Greek Man nodded, grinned.

Fat Greek Man pushed the plate of sardines at Tyler with a knowing look, saying, “Here, these are an aphrodisiac. Eat them!” Tyler attempted to decline the offer, but Fat Greek Man continued to hold out the plate of fish–heads, tails, and all–saying, “Yes, aphrodisiac! You must eat them!” Tyler shrugged and picked one up by the tail, then dropped it in his mouth, chewed , swallowed the whole thing. They loved that–and so the plate was passed to me–“Eat one!”

Not terribly excited about the prospect of crunching on skin and bones, but these men were not to be put off. So I picked up a fish–to their great delight–and proceeded to cut off the head, tail and pull out the tiny ribs. I closed my eyes and quickly chewed and swallowed. It was actually pretty delicious if you could get past the idea that you were chewing on skin and bones.

The Greek men’s delight grew and they continued to heap more of everything on our plates–heralding each item as a powerful aphrodisiac. Some times they would simply put a piece of something on a fork and wave it in front of our faces until we would allow them to hand feed us. I was a bit perturbed by this until I realized that they did it to each other as well. When in Greece…

After the sardine success they attacked the topic of our marriage with renewed vigor. Loud Greek Man turned once again to Tyler and said, “So, why do you think it is a good idea to get married so young? Don’t you want to be free to do what you want? Go where you want?” (Apparently they weren’t overly concerned with my need for freedom or experience.)

Tyler–“But Martha and I like to do things together–we want the same things.”
“Ahahaha!” The Greek men all laughed–“But what about other women? Don’t you want other women?” (Mind you that I am sitting  right there this whole time.) “Here, eat another sardine. It is an aphrodisiac! You will be up all night! Ha-HA!”
Tyler, choking back laughter and a mouthful of sardine, valiantly defends our relationship, saying, “No, Martha is the best! I don’t need any other women because Martha is the best!”

“Ahh! Martha is the best!” They seemed to love this and immediately set about the business of confirming or denying its validity:
“Stand up Martha! Ahh, yes!! Turn around! Yes, turn around!”

…

“AHHH-HAAHH!!! Yes! Martha is the best! Yes! Ah-HAH! Yes, she IS the best!” They raised their glasses, toasted, and went on shouting incoherently for several minutes while force-feeding us more “aphrodisiac” foods. “Here! Eat this octopus! It is an aphrodisiac. Ahahaha! Yes, it is! And this, too! Here, more wine. Drink, we must all drink to Martha! Martha is the best!”

“Yes, Martha is the best, so I don’t need other women.” Tyler lit his pipe, laughed, and leaned over to kiss me. They began shouting and waving their arms: “No! It is forbidden! No!” We laughed and leaned apart–we were both greatly amused by these strange, kinda dirty old men, and even if they were making fun of us for being married young (and being highly inappropriate)  we were getting a great meal out of it–and some serious entertainment.

Loud Greek Man regained his composure, “Ah, yes, Martha is the best, but so is lobster. Lobster is the best! And if you have lobster every niiiiiiiight…you will be sick of lobster!! Ahahaha! Here, drink more wine! Have you ever had Greek woman?”
“Nope…can’t say I’ve ever ‘had Greek woman’.”
Fat Greek Man–“What??! Never had Greek woman!” They were horrified at the very notion of someone in the world going without this experience.

“No, Martha is the only woman for me.”
Loud Greek Man–“This is terrible! We must find you Greek woman!”

Keep in mind that we are five days newly married and these men are trying to find my husband another woman in front of me. At this moment the waitress walks by to replenish our wine pitcher and Loud Greek Man turns to her saying, “Here, this boy needs Greek woman.” The waitress looks from them to Tyler and I and back again, raises an eyebrow and says, “I think he is with her.” She nods in my direction and walks away.

This option of hooking Tyler up with the waitress being shot down Loud Greek Man suddenly proclaims, “Then we must go to Irepatra [neighboring town]! We go to strip club, we find you Greek woman!”
“No, no.” Tyler shakes his head, laughing and spilling wine. “I’m on my honeymoon, dude!”

At this point I get up to go to the bathroom. In my absence the men see their chance, “Ok! It is time. She is gone, and we will leave. We go to Irepatra, we go to strip club! We go!”
Tyler–“That is a terrible, terrible idea, amigo.”
“No, no, it is ok. She will come back and see you are gone. She will go home. When you come to bed she will be there waiting for you. We go to strip club! Here, eat another sardine!”
“No, no, no, you’re all forgetting…Martha is the best!”

I walked back at this moment to the Greek men chiming in and raising their glasses to me. “Yes, Martha is the best! We drink to Martha!”

By  now it was at least 1am and the time, the Sprite-wine, and the weird, weird situation was beginning to catch up with us. Feeling the wine, Tyler turned to the men and started demanding ice cream. “I want ice cream! Buy me some ice cream.” Like Greek magic, a moment later a huge dish of ice cream materialized on the table.

By the time we had consumed half the ice cream we decided it was about time to head to bed–but the Greeks would have none of that. “No! You must stay! Drink more wine! Eat more ice cream!” Resistance was useless.

At some point in the next hour we found ourselves in a tikki bar where the Greeks once more attempted to score Tyler a “Greek woman.” And somehow after that we managed to escape to our bed. We awoke there in a daze the next morning after some seriously bizarre dreams–but none so strange as the night we spent on that roof-top.

Essential Tips for Traveling on a Budget

It always amazes me how many people think that traveling, especially international traveling, simply isn’t affordable. I mean, come on people- I’m a broke college graduate, with thousands in debt and I manage to fit it into my budget. You just need to start thinking outside the box of traditional travel expectations.

There are basically two reasons to budget travel:

1. You are broke and can’t afford to travel any other way.
2. You are semi-broke and want to be able to afford to get more out of your travelling (do and see more things).

If you are one of those lucky people who has plenty of money to travel however, whenever, and wherever you want then I’m not sure why you are reading this blog. Maybe you are a yuppie who wants the raw experience of budget traveling…

Tips for Budget Traveling

Find Affordable Housing–

Abandoning ideas about fancy resorts and hotels is the first step to traveling economically. Hostels are a budget traveler’s best friend. Hostel Bookers and Hostel World are my two primary resources for finding a good hostel.

A lot of people find the idea of a hostel really sketchy. But most of these people know little or nothing about hostels. Hostels are designed to provide the most basic needs for a night’s stay while cutting costs for customers as much as possible.

Let’s be honest, if what you care about on vacation is a big comfy bed, a big screen TV with cable, and a pool, then hostels aren’t for you. But if you plan to spend your time roaming the streets of Paris, visiting the Louvre, making day trips to medieval French villages, and then coming back and crashing–do you really need all of those luxuries? Or do you really just need a shower and some clean sheets?

Like I said before, if you can afford both, great, but a lot of us can’t- and we have to choose.

Hostels come in all shapes and sizes. Some of them actually end up being more like a hotel, some have pools, some don’t. Most hostels offer several room options:

• private rooms–these are the most expensive, but generally still cheaper than a normal hotel (remember, no big screen).
• gender segregated dorms– either all male or all female rooms.
• mixed gender dorms– mixed gender dorms are the cheapest because they are the easiest to fill–they can stick anyone in them.

These “dorms” are rooms of varying sizes with varying numbers of bunk beds and access to a bathroom. Sometimes it is just a set of bunk beds and you could fill the room if you had a group. As a female, I probably wouldn’t feel comfortable staying in a “mixed” dorm traveling solo, but since I normally travel with my husband I am fine with it to save a few bucks.

If you are concerned about ending up in a super sketchy, dirty hostel, have no fears–the sites I listed above are invaluable tools in finding the right hostel. They give detailed ratings and reviews from friendliness to cleanliness.

Most of the hostels I’ve stayed in (and I’ve been to quite a few) have greatly superseded my expectations and, in some ways, have offered more than a hotel could have. For example–I once stayed in a beautiful, old, half-timbered house in Austria which had been converted into a hostel. It was 12 USD for a night.

Hostel in Feldkirch, Austria

 

Another awesome experience was a “tent village” in Interlaken, Switzerland. These semi-permanent tents (with real bunk beds) were nestled in a field surrounded by the towering Alps. The village was complete with a hot-tub. 20 USD per night.

 

 

Tent Village–Interlaken, Switzerland

Hostels offer unique locations and experiences, the opportunity to meet interesting people, a comfortable stay, and all at an excellent price.

There are two other important things that hostels often have to offer: free breakfast, and a community kitchen. And those lead into the next key element of budget travel.

Eat Cheap–

Food probably isn’t the first place you think to cut spending–but it is one of the easiest ways to blow money while traveling. Even if you don’t go out to eat at a fancy restaurant every night, eating on the go adds up. And even worse, buying mediocre food on the go might hurt your budget to the point that you really can’t afford that nice, romantic, meal you were planning to share in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. So plan ahead and save up for something special.

Breakfast–
This is another huge way that hostels can save you money. Look for hostels that list having breakfast included. A lot do and often times a little looking can get you that free meal for little or no extra cost. These breakfasts usually aren’t anything fancy and some are better than others. Occasionally, they are awesome. I’ve had anything from toast and cereal, to artisan breads and marmalades (Paris), to a full breakfast buffet of hot and cold foods (Athens).

Athens: breakfast buffet.

Not only does this save you the cost of the first meal of the day and allow you to jump straight to sight-seeing, but you can usually pocket a croissant, or a little cheese sandwich for a snack later on.

Meat and cheese sandwich for later.

Lunch–
Depending where you are traveling, it may be reasonable and affordable to grab some street food for lunch. But even that $4-6 (or euro, or whatever) sandwich will add up over time (but also remember food is part of the experience–its all about balance). The worst situation to be in, however, is to be cold (or hot), tired, and really hungry, in a tourist destination without cheap food options available. This is when you will give in and buy something way too expensive and not nearly good enough. It is great to spend money on food when you decide to, but not when you have to.

 

One of my worst experiences of this type was in the tourist city of Rothenburg. We didn’t bring anything with us and everything was super expensive because it is a tourist town. Broke and starving, we gave in and bought a “kebab box” which seemed like a decent deal–6 euros. It ended up being a pile of crusty, greasy meat in a box. The meal ended with me sitting on a curb crying.  PLAN AHEAD.

My go-to lunch preparation is to buy a loaf of local bread (in Europe you can usually get something delicious for pretty cheap), a wedge of cheese, and maybe a tomato. Be sure to carry a knife with you for this purpose.

These items are all relatively easy to transport and not super perishable. And while this is very frugal, it is substantial, delicious, and gives you taste of some local essentials. I have many memories (and pictures) of us enjoying a picnic lunch of brie and a baguette under the Eiffel Tower, or substitute a Swiss cheese and an Alp for the tower.

Classic tomato, cheese, and bread for lunch in Switzerland.

Dinner–
Another important hostel feature is the community kitchen. This is a very high priority for me when looking for a hostel. I’m willing to spend an extra buck or two for a decent kitchen. Why? Again, going out for dinner while traveling is great, but doing it every night drains the bank account. Instead, cook most of your meals at the hostel and save a ton of money.

This may seem like too much of a hassle–buying all the ingredients, preparation, etc. But if you do it right it is easy. I always keep a few non-perishable staples in my bag while I’m traveling. Pasta, rice, a handful of potatoes, corn meal, some bouillon cubes, and butter (if it is summer or a hot climate, go with a little oil).

Having these essentials always on hand prevents me from making a last minute decision to go out to eat because I’m too tired and hungry to go shopping.

When you first get to your hostel scout out the kitchen. Why? Because hostel kitchens can be a gold mine for food. People come, cook a meal, and then leave and don’t feel like taking along that half a stick of butter or that half a box of pasta. Sometimes there isn’t much, but always check–and then you can plan the evening’s meal while you travel and pick up any other ingredients on your way back in the evening.

I’ve found some crazy things in hostel kitchens–potatoes, pasta, rice (lots of rice), sauces and condiments, cheese, cold cuts, salamis, crackers, and even a half a box of wine! Half the time I didn’t even need to buy food, and I could almost always refill my staples stock from these leftovers. Simple easy recipes that you know by heart are essential. My basic list:

• Risotto– basic ingredients–rice, onion, bouillon. Dress it up with whatever else is on hand–wine, garlic, butter, cheese, veggies.
• Polenta–corn meal, water, butter, bouillon. Good on its own, but add some sauteed veggies and cheese and you have a gourmet meal. (I once made “polenta” in an airport using a free cup of hot water from a coffee shop.)
• Rice and beans–rice, beans, seasonings.
• Pasta– Pasta, butter or oil, seasonings. Add a tomato and you have a great meal.

Creativity is the key. Look at the resources available and use them. If I ever come upon a lot of leftover potatoes at a hostel, I rub them with butter or oil, salt and pepper, and then bake them. Let cool and then save for the next day’s breakfast of lunch on the go.

Find a Good Location and Walk Everywhere–

Another important thing to look for is a good central location to travel from. You may find a super cheap/nice hostel on the outskirts of the city, but always consider how that is going to impact your traveling in terms of cost and time. Sometimes it is worth it, but sometimes the hassle and cost of transportation isn’t. Again, a few bucks for the metro or a train might not seem like much once, but it adds up.
Be sure you have good walking shoes so that you can stay moving all day and see as much as possible without having to catch public transit. You see more and enjoy more this way anyways than if you just hop trains or buses from one popular location to the next. But, if you don’t prepare for a lot of walking, your feet will regret it.

The most important rule to go by when traveling on a budget is to spend money on what you want to spend money on and don’t get trapped into the mainstream mentality of what you should or need to spend money on. Be creative. And no matter what, don’t be pretentious–being pretentious is expensive.